Confusion, panic, pain, suffering, and anguish
(many times self inflicted. ugh!). I was face to face with a giant at the dead end, it seemed. "Who will free me from this body of sin and death?" Where's my help, where’s my answer? I thought - How soon have I forgotten all He has already done?- The restless, ever searching soul in me kept on questioning. Could I have lost what I believed to be unwavering faith?
Many times I asked God to intervene in my situation wanting to be certain that there was hope in front of me, as there always was. Desperate, I searched for answers everywhere, failing to trust the God who thought of me as an only child, as the apple of His eye, who would never leave me to fight my own battles -"The Lord will fight FOR YOU; you need only be still" Exodus 14:14- I needed the blind faith that assured me He would be there to rescue me when I fell and enough trust to be still.
No word from the Lord, He was silent. "Lord, could you be working, or have you forgotten me? Maybe I have sinned against you, maybe you are testing me?". Questions filled my head. Why couldn't I simply trust? I cried out to Him for days, but inside I knew He was listening.
-“I love the Lord because He hears my voice, He hears my cry for mercy, and because HE BENDS DOWN TO LISTEN, I will pray for as long as I have breath” Psalm 116:1-2- He kept silent. I kept praying. The little knowledge I had of His word, and the many personal testimonies of His deliverance kept me strong even when I didn't feel Him. He has never once abandoned me or left me without answers. -"I was young and now am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken" Psalm 37:25- The Lord knows I’ve cried and He ALWAYS comes through. I knew He had a reason for His silence. I understood He wanted to teach me to trust Him only, to depend on Him like a newborn needs his mom. Lessons are taught through suffering. It grabs our attention and draws us close to Him. The Lord only disciplines those He loves.
Trying to absorb every minute alone with Him, I started to understand and accept every lesson as they came. I can control my thoughts, I have the mind of Christ, I have the spirit of power, love, and of a sound mind. These thoughts kept flowing, replacing the old, and soon became my new way of thinking. Although days had passed before the terrifying feelings of anxiety started to subside; I was convinced God was preparing me for a future call and equipping me for it.
Many times God watches us quietly, BUT, many times, He shows up.
Sunday morning I prayed I would hear His voice. From the pew I watched happy members of the worship team make their way to the altar. Holding hands, they prayed. I joined silently from my seat and asked God to speak to me. As the keyboards made the first sound, a man walked up to the altar and boldly said: "I have a word from the Lord:
"These tough days will end, I hear all your cries, and I will make you victorious”".
GOD SHOWED UP.
When I came home, I put on quiet worship songs as I knelled to pray and thank Him for what He had just done. - I knew for a fact He was speaking to me - Wiping out my tears, I draw my attention to the words of a song I had never heard before. Speechless and amazed at the lyrics, as if strategically written for that very moment, I sat in awe of Him. Every word speaking directly at me. Eyes closed, tears running, arms wrapped around my knees, I bow my head in shame.
"Sigh"... Could I have been more ashamed at my lack of trust? He was talking to me - Again. His presence so strong I could feel His arms around me. Once more, humbled I say:
"Here I am, Lord, I doubted you again, and yet, you don't give up on me. You love me just as I am, You sweep me up before I fall, when I hang over the edge you turn me around. You restore and renew me over and over again, patiently and lovingly."
Heart quiet, mind still.
The Lord has not forgotten you. He sees ALL your troubles, He hears ALL your prayers and wipes ALL your tears. He hurts when you hurt. He WANTS to deliver you. He wants to show up in YOUR life. Take no advice from the one who keeps falling, but the one who keeps rescuing. He sees you and me like an only child, His deepest desire is to have a relationship with us. Serve Him and Him only and the troubles of life will pass, the storm will calm. It will pass. Learn all you can while you are in this boat fighting the waters of the raging sea. Talk to Him while it’s just the two of you. He wants to listen. He wants to show His power in your situation. He walked on water, He opened the red Sea, He multiplied. He will do the same for you. Lift up your head, cry out to our God, the one and only God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The beginning and the end, the Alpha & Omega. He will give you the desires of your heart, He will make you whole again; and while you wait, you will soar with wings like eagles, you will run and not be tired. He will strengthen you every morning. While you wait, and pass through the storm, be sure of this: He is in the boat. Still.
May the peace of my Lord Jesus rest upon you. Much love and blessings to you.
Hi, I'm Debora. A lover of Jesus, a wife, and a mother of 2.
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